Thursday, October 29, 2009

things that frum weddings can do without

This one's inspired by Bad4Shidduchim's recent post about how she hates the whole maypole umbrella 'tradition' that is now a part of every frum wedding. (personally, I don't really mind it...it makes for great pics! and it's practically how you know the wedding you're at is Jewish - no matter what the original origin of the thing)

Here are some things I don't think Frum weddings realllly need (if only because these things sometimes puzzle me or just plain get on my nerves):

1) Simcha Dancing - or, as I like to call it, Square Dancing. Because no one is ever really any good at it and no one ever looks good doing it, except for the one or two girls who decide to go off in a corner of the dance floor and pull moves you know they practice at home. Rarely is the Kallah actually involved in the routine - and all it does is confuse everybody else and put a halt to the REAL dancing  - you know, where everyone squeezes together in disjointed circles around the perspiring bride.

2) Lifting of the Bride by women in stilettos - I think if there is any moment in a girl's life where she should give in to non-Shomer desires, this is it. If what was supposed to happen in the Yichud room went according to plan, then surely the bride won't mind letting a few more sweaty guys get a little close. Let the men lift her people! It's a matter of life and death. No seriously, we've all heard that one story about the bride who spent her wedding night in the hospital because of a bad chair-lift. And why is there always that one girl in size-double-zero dress wearing six-inch heels part of the lift crew? I see a chairlift and I step away - there's no reason to get into a situation where you're potentially liable for a lawsuit.

3) And speaking of which..... putting the bride on a table is NOT safe either. I say this from personal experience, where I thought that we had killed the bride, as a table leg broke and she came crashing to the ground. Not a happy memory.

4) The three-dance rule. I hate rules. And if the bride is someone I really like, and if I'm having a great time, I don't see why the band has to stop playing after just three rounds of circle-time. One time, I got yelled at by a DJ when I asked him to play just one more song. (he must've been off his meds - wish I remembered his name so I could tell you who not to use)

5) People talking during the Chuppah. This is almost worse than talking during Shul. So disrespectful. Ok, I'll admit - I am sometimes guilty of this too. (this is often the best time to get all the gossip about the groom's illegitimate brother and his uncle's recent jail-time). But when the noise level of the crowd is so bad that you can barely hear the Chussan step on the glass, there is a problem.

6) Bad Sushi - there's no secret that sushi is the way to my heart. But sushi at weddings is rarely any good, or even passable. And how exactly are people supposed to use the soy sauce? Even when my craving overrules my palate, I hate eating Sushi at shmorgs (well really, I hate eating at shmorgs) because there really is no polite way to eat a piece besides stuffing the entire thing in my mouth. Definitely not polite to have a mouthful of rice when I'm busy saying hello to each of my hundred second cousins. Still, I applaud the efforts of families who actually do bother to spend some dough on a decent shmorg. (if you're really bored right now, go look up the word 'shmorg' at http://www.urbandictionary.com/)

7) Bright Lights - I know old people hate the dimmer switch, but I personally think it adds ambiance. I hate when weddings are brightly lit - in a room where everyone's wearing entire jars of MAC, you'd think halls would be glad to save some money off their electric bills. Apparently some places (eden palace) actually don't let you lower the lights for the Chuppah. Ladies, I think this calls for a protest.

8) Bridal gowns with non-detachable trains. Someone needs to speak to Kleinfelds. There is no reason why a girl's gown needs to give her such a headache when she's trying to dance. Every bride spends at least 20 minutes surrounded by a team of 20 people trying to figure out what to do with all those ties and buttons that supposedly bustles up the dress. I have yet to see this actually work. What usually happens - that big long train gets tied into one big knot.

9)  Weddings that end too early - I still haven't gotten used to that part of living in NY. Where I'm from, dessert tables are brought out at midnight and if I'm home before one it means I wasn't having a good time.


10) The bar on the wrong side of the Mechitza. Unless a girl is brave enough to cross over, need I say more?

Friday, October 23, 2009

does my voice turn you on?

I hate the whole 'Judaism is sexist' movement - because I really don't think that it is, or rather, that it is meant to be. I was raised and educated to believe that women are equal but different. That women have just as many rights, and way fewer obligations in terms of our religion, which is really just how I like it.
I like that I don't have to get up at 6 in the morning to daven with a minyan. I like that I don't have to wear extra articles of clothing. I like that I get to thank G-d for making me the way I am (I always thought of it as a compliment, thanking Hashem for making us perfect - and something that men don't get to say).

One thing that does kinda get on my nerves is the whole Kol Isha thing. I'm usually a 'na'aseh v'nishma' girl, and while I do 'do' this mitzvah, sometimes I wish this one weren't so serious. I have some friends with truly amazing voices, two who even take professional voice lessons and could definitely get famous or star on Broadway if it weren't for the Kol Isha issues. Sure, they could probably still make it in the 'women's only' section at Eichler's, but I wish they could do a little better with the talent Hashem gave them.

Then there's the whole awkward, what-do-I-do-when-everyone-else-is-singing-zmiros thing on Shabbos. At my house, I've been blessed with a father who sings tunes that no one else ever knows (our family joke is that it's probably because he makes them up as he goes along). And so, I don't really do that much singing at home.

But when I'm at someone else's place, it can get a little confusing. Some people hold by the 'kol isha doesn't count if there are guys singing too' philosophy. Which is totally cool in my books and which is how my MO day school held. But other people are a little more strict about the whole thing. Which I'm cool with too - because really, I don't think my voice is all that delightful. But when the family has a house full of daughters who do get to sing, I kinda feel left out. And sometimes it's hard to tell how a family holds. So if I'm in a house where people expect their female guests to sing - am I being rude if I don't?

Going back to my issues with the issue - I do sort of understand why Kol Isha was invented in the first place. Singing can definitely be sexy. Who knows - maybe the Rabbis of the Talmud predicted just how sexy it would get. (anyone hear Britney's latest explicit single, '3'?) But for every Britney and Madonna, there's a Regina Spektor - who sells tickets based on her voice not on her 'performance' (well, so far at least). Why do  the frum Reginas of the world have to stay quiet?

All I know is this..... my voice = definitely not sexy.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

boys who talk to breasts

This post might be a little cliché, but considering that my breasts have been included in conversation at least three times today, I thought that maybe they were also deserving of a write-up.
Yes, I know that you're looking at them.
And yes, I saw you jerk when you saw that I saw you looking. You jerk.
I get it - you're a guy. You can't help yourself. You see a girl with big boobs and your man-instinct goes into overdrive.
(interestingly enough, being married with kids hasn't stopped one of today's men)
Is it my fault if I sometimes have cleavage issues? Maybe I should be more careful about covering up the collarbones, but I just don't look as good in a turtleneck. (and they aren't even in style this season) Maybe subconsciously I like the attention. Maybe I only notice the attention when I'm being self-conscious. Do you also look when I'm wearing a high-necked Kikki-Rikki?
I used to get offended when a guy would comment on my chest (admittedly, I've hung around the wrong type of guys in the past). Maybe I've gotten so used to it, that I just don't care anymore. I actually kind of smile and say thank you. Maybe I should stop that. It only encourages them.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Secular College vs Stern

This is in response to an article written by Rabbi Reuven Spolter over at the Jewish Star blog. He basically argues that sending your child to a secular college endangers his or her orthodoxy.

Wow. Talk about living in a bubble. Talk about a great PR piece for YU. Did they pay for him to write this?

Here's the thing - MO or O kids are only 'in danger' of going 'off the derech' if they're on shaky ground to start with.
That's right - don't start blaming a secular college for your child's troubles. Those troubles start at home.

I go to a secular college. So do or have almost all of my closest friends. We're turning out alright. The ones who are no longer religious often come from homes where the importance of being religious was never properly transmitted.

I think you can tell the difference between someone who went to a secular college versus someone who chose the YU/Stern/Touro route. Having a conversation with someone in Group 2 feels like talking with someone still in high school, who only knows about the world from what Mommy, Daddy and their Morahs have taught them. Because let's face it - YU is basically just an MO high school for older kids. Same people, same cliques, same ideas.

People I know in Group 1 are a far more mature lot. They've been 'exposed' to people of other cultures and opinions. Which is not a bad thing, no matter what your Rebbe has told you. It's good to know about people of different races and religions who are not your cleaning ladies and are not featured on CNN. Socializing with people who are not Jewish and not Orthodox actually strengthened my own identity, my own uniqueness.

I remember having my 'aha' moment in freshman year. I realized that virtually everyone I met 'belonged' to some kind of group, to a community - whether it be the Asian Club or Robotics or the Honors Society. And as much as I maybe would have liked to belong to one of those groups - ok, maybe definitely not Robotics - I never would have fit in. Besides the fact that I could never pass for Korean, lots of those groups had meetings on Shabbos. Which, in a way, is something I'm grateful for. Because it let me realize which group I did belong to.

the serial engager

A friend of mine is engaged.
I usually end sentences like that with an exclamation mark.
I really would like to in this case.
But I'm just not sure that this situation merits that type of punctuation.
Thank the Good L-rd that she's one of the few who does not read MM.
Because I really don't think she'd want to read what I'm about to write.

Here's the thing -
She's engaged to a Serial Engager.
I know him from around town, my hometown. I've never actually had a convo with him. He once asked to be set up with me. I firmly declined that offer. There was no way I was going to be Fiance #5 on his list.
That's right - he's been engaged before.
About three or four times - that I know of.

How does he do it? At first glance, he is definitely not what you would expect of a Serial Engager.
He's not exactly attractive, somewhat short, somewhat balding, somewhat scrawny.
I know what you're thinking - but no, he's not rich.
Really a nothing-special guy.
Personality-wise, from what I hear, he's about a 4, no scratch that - a 2.

So how has he managed to get all these chicks to fall for him - or should I say 'stumble' because he hasn't actually managed to get any of them under the Chuppah - yet.
I know one or two of his fiances. These aren't homely dumb-ass girls who are desperate to get married.
Or are they?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Mazel Tov!!!

My fave fan, The Babysitter, is engaged!!!

Congrats M&S!!!

Am I invited to the wedding???

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

how to know if you're on a date

Have you ever been out with someone when you weren't sure what to make of it all?
I'm convinced that if there was one reason why girls and guys aren't meant to be 'just friends' - this is it.
When you're out with a bunch of people, it's cool - you know where you stand with the fellas you're with. You're in the 'friend zone'.
But what if its just you+him?
Did I mention that he's not gay? (that would make things SO much simpler)
How do you know that your little one-on-one is not something more?
If you're the only one he asked out - is that a date?
If he opens your car door for you - is that a date?
If he pays for your dinner - is that a date?
I wish I knew the answer to these questions...
Sometimes I think guys like keeping you questioning - it gives them an opt out if it turns out that you're just not that into him.

Monday, October 12, 2009

are you a virgin?

If so, and if you're going to be in Brooklyn on Sunday, October 25th - then you should def be at the Second Ever Single Kohain's event!

If you're a betulah or a Kohen, then go meet your beshert at this amazing evening. More info available on Facebook - or email StarSingles1@yahoo.com.

Gotta say - creative way to beat the shidduch crisis.....

Friday, October 9, 2009

How to Look Like MM

Thursday, October 8, 2009

please don't stalk MM

Despite the in-yo-face hot pink theme here, MM seems to attract more than her share of male fans and admirers. In fact, most MM fans are SWM's (that's Single White Male for those of you have never laughed over the Dating Classifieds).
It's very flattering.
But then, what guy wouldn't want to get with a girl who looks like a Barbie doll (and has an awesome personality)?
MM often gets requests for personal info.
But MM likes her privacy.
Not saying that no one knows who the real MM is...
But if you act like an a$$hole, chances are, you'll never get to find out.

PS - you may think you know, but you have no idea...
PPS - and if you do find out, you'll find that the real MM can be a real b$tch.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Gilad shalit talks from prison (english subtitled)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

why i love Sukkos

Sukkos is one of my fave holidays.
Maybe because it meant having a ton of vacay days from school when I was a kid.
Maybe because it's kind of camping-esque, without the bears.
Maybe because it comes so soon after Yom Kippur. It's like reading an Archie Comic after finishing War & Peace. Having Mango Sorbet after Meatloaf. Watching the Hills after crying through Schindler's List.
Ok, I'm being dramatic. But you know what I mean, right?
I do have to admit that the Sukkos appeal does wear off come Day 4 or 5.
Day 1 and 2 are the best - the whole experience is still new, you're excited to show off your decorations and the new x-mas holiday lights, and how much bigger your Sukkah is than everyone else's on the block. (gotta admit, there is a little bit of a 'Keeping up with the Steins' mentality in my hood.)
But then it rains. That's one of those wonderful times when ladies are just fine with 'She'Asani Kirtsono' - because we get to sit inside :) .
Or even if it doesn't rain, somehow making the trip all the way to the Jewish version of a mobile home that sits on your back deck just seems sooo long when you're barely awake to find the soy milk in the fridge for your Special K.
Is this how it was when the Jews were leaving Egypt? All happy on Day 1 of their trek through the desert, and then asking to sit out on Day 5?
Maybe that's what this holiday is partly about... overcoming our laziness, overcoming our desire for comfort, learning to stick with something for more than a few days, and not just on the good and sunny days. Maybe we're supposed to prove to ourselves and to Hashem that we can do this - even when it rains and we would rather be couch potatoing with HBO.
Because if you can make it through 8 days of eating in the Sukkah, you can do anything.
I'm no rabbi, but I think I just kinda made a Dvar Torah.